I love piano music that sounds like water, whether it is a creek meandering through a valley or waves splashing against the shore. I was listening to Luke Faulkner's album Wanderer while trying to take a nap. Then this came to me and destroyed me. I got up and wrote it down:

I have pretty good male figures in my life. My dad, my advisor, and my therapist.

My dad supported my education, accepted the peculiarities of my character, and had no problem with me watching trains, exploring abandoned places, and doing solo travels. But he doesn't fully understand my aversion to tech companies. When that moment came, I didn't feel misunderstood. I simply thought: “oh, you have tried to walk beside me for quite a while, and this is as far as you can go. I'll keep going, you don't have to.”

The same thing happened with Yonatan. Once I thought he was unfathomably knowledgeable. One day, I caught sight of what might be the frontier of his knowledge. Beyond it lay what was unknown to both of us. I thought: “oh, so this is the border.” It looked lonely, but I stepped across it; just as I would mischievously walk past a “no trespassing” sign while exploring an abandoned place. I will meet new people farther ahead. I will meet a lot of new people along the way. Each of them will walk beside me for a while, and then there will come a point when, once again, I'm all by myself.

Some day this will happen with Cory. So far, I have never felt that I told him something and he didn't understand. He has been walking beside me. But I know that one day, sooner or later, we will reach a point where I think: “oh, I have encountered this thing, and even Cory doesn't understand.” And I'll cry about it. I'll cry a great deal about it, and decide that I may walk ahead, alone.

I will be, once again, all by myself
And keep going
All by my self
Just as I have always done.

I will meet people farther ahead.
I will meet my future self farther ahead.
I do not see this as outgrowing anyone.
I see it as a natural divergence.

Everyone has their own “farther ahead”.
This is a kind of profound loneliness.
They say, it is called aloneness.
Yes, of course, profound aloneness.